2/19/2010

My Unassisted Pregnancy and Miscarriage with Blighted Ovum at Twelve Weeks

     I originally posted this for myself, but I have found since posting it that many women have come across this blog while trying to prepare for their own miscarriage. This is for those women: I am so deeply sorry that you are here and facing the loss of your baby. I hope that reading through my experience can help to prepare you in some way or give you a better understanding of what you may have already experienced. I will warn you, there are pictures and there is a lot of blood.

     I was posting on my birth board about what was happening throughout my pregnancy, and I have put those posts together here. This was my fourth pregnancy, second unassisted pregnancy, and first miscarriage.


Dec 13th approximately 11wk4d

     I've had a really strong feeling for the past few days that this baby isn't going to make it. Thinking back my symptoms have been getting better over the past two weeks and are basically gone now. My uterus hasn't grown since Nov 25th and even my milk supply is nearly back to normal. The last two or three days I've had tan/brown discharge when I wipe. Today I've felt my cervix stretching and had more definite brown discharge this morning. This evening I lost my mucus plug after a bowel movement. It was the same as it was with my labors, a glob of stretchy and gelatinous goo streaked with blood (brown this time instead of pink or clear as with my labors). I've had some odd pains in the side of my uterus where I believe the baby implanted, but nothing terrible. Still no cramps or red blood, but I have been DOG TIRED and a little sick feeling all day.

Dec 14th

     Afternoon: My uterus measured 8 cm this morning, it was 10cm nearly three weeks ago, I can hardly feel it anymore. I had cramps last night I couldn't tell where they were coming from, bowels or uterus. Had a loose stool this morning, I always get diarrhea before labor. I went pee this afternoon and when I wiped there was red blood that immediately became enough to nearly soak a pad. It really hit me when I saw the red blood, I cried momentarily when I told Brian I was going to need a garbage can in the bathroom.
     Evening: Things slowed back down bleeding wise but I feel like my hormones are crashing. I get hot all of the sudden, almost sweating, I'm getting headaches and getting dizzy, then I'll feel fine. I feel a weight in my lower abdomen. I keep thinking I need to go to the bathroom but nothing comes of it. My cervix feels stretched, like after you give birth. The blood smells just like lochia and is watery/slimy too. Still no cramps.

Dec 15th

     Today started off with just some brown spotting but it turned to dark red blood, enough to get on a pad. When I got up to make dinner I had mild cramps and my back, butt and vuvla got really sore, the bleeding picked up a little. I feel like I'm on my period but not as much blood. Still measuring 8cm, I should be 12wks tomorrow.

Dec 16th

     Today started the same but by this evening my bleeding has become bright red and like a light period. I can push out blood while on the toilet and every time I sit down to pee a little bit drips out on it's own. Still a little sore but not as bad as yesterday and still no cramps. I got my floradix and chlorophyll today so I'll be taking those for the next few weeks. I actually realized today that there probably will be a baby; like there is probably a baby inside of me that is going to come out......a dead baby..... and I will see it...... and have to do something with it. I was in denial of that before, trying to figure it out now.

Dec 17th

     Today started uneventful. A little red blood last night. I was sore in my pelvic area during breakfast. I started having very mild cramps around 11am. Soon after I sat down to pee and a contraction hit. It felt just like early labor. I sat there and it got worse, quickly feeling like active labor. I had to moan and breathe through them. I moved to the living room and labored over a colander and chux pad most of the time from 11:30 to 3:00 when I finally passed the placenta with a sac the size of a large globe grape on it. The sac was empty. The placenta was way too big and in pieces. I passed big clots and parts of placenta the whole time but when the sac came out I instantly felt 100% better. I'd been in laborland, it was very weird knowing there would be no baby at the end of it.



Placenta with sac before I opened it, the sac is between my thumbs, the placenta is baby side up in my hand and it's torn:


This is the maternal side where the placenta was attached to my uterus:


Empty sac opened up:


Clots and placenta on a chux:


Clots in colander:


Blood on chux, there was more in the tub and toilet:


     I passed four liquid ounces of clots and placenta. I only really bled when I pushed after a contraction. Lots of blood ended up in the toilet too, I was there with the colander under me for the first 30 minutes at least. A few times I got real weak and warm and felt like I was going to sleep, I just prayed through it. I don't know how much blood I lost but I feel tired and weak and have a headache. Med-heavy period bleeding now. I hope these help someone.


     7wk Update: I suffered from low progesterone and a pretty severe estrogen dominance for the first month after my m/c. I had a very fast heartbeat and splitting headache that landed me in the ER misdiagnosed with postpartum thyroiditis. After a couple of weeks on the medication to control my heartrate I got some wonderful advice about estrogen dominance and I took myself off of the meds and switched to progesterone cream. My symptoms went away entirely and I quickly got to where I did not need the cream. 
I bled for 1 week after the m/c and ovulated one week after the bleeding stopped.

     It's been over three years since this, my first of many miscarriages, happened. I have had many women thank me for these pictures and for sharing my story. I've also been accused of being cold and my entire post unnecessary. Please understand that this was written as I experienced it and I felt an urgency to share it. When I was facing my first miscarriage I had no idea what to expect. I simply wanted to help other women in that position. If I come across as cold, it is only because I was so deeply in shock and disconnected at the time. 

2/18/2010

I Had My Son Circumsized

     Against the advice of my older sister, who had two circumcised son's herself, I had my son, my first child, circumcised. 

     They took him from me early in the morning and brought him back shortly after. They had tried to calm him before bringing him back to me, but it hadn't worked. I could hear him in the hallway long before they made it to my room. I knew it was my baby the moment I heard it. My stomach turned. He was screaming a high pitched scream that made every nerve in my body react in a way that I'd never experienced before. He was screaming for me to stop the pain. He was screaming for me because people were hurting him, and I hadn't protected him. He screamed every time I tried to nurse him for days because it hurt him to be held, he screamed every time he peed for a week. He screamed and there was nothing I could do but sit and cry with my son over the worst decision I've ever made in my life. 


     It was too late to take it back. I'd handed him off, my perfect newborn baby, to a butcher who ripped, crushed, and sliced his genitals with no anesthesia in the name of "looking like the other boys." I failed my first baby in the worst way possible. I gave him to someone that I knew was going to hurt him. 


     If you are considering having your son circumcised PLEASE research why it is done first. PLEASE research the importance of the foreskin. PLEASE watch the videos of how it is done. PLEASE read experiences of other mother's who've had it done to their babies. PLEASE don't violate your baby's trust like I did. Infant circumcision is a painful, dangerous procedure that serves no medical purpose; it simply removes a functioning, healthy piece of living tissue from a defenseless human with no say in the matter.


     I have done a lot of work with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to relieve myself of the crushing guilt I have felt over his circumcision. I have also used it to help him work through his feelings about it. I can finally say that talking about it no longer reduces me to nauseating tears, and I finally forgive myself. 


     Since I cannot go back and change what happened I have made a point to help ensure that other mothers don't find themselves with the same regret. Each year on the day after his birthday, the anniversary of his circumcision, I donate the money for a circumcision information pack to Saving Our Sons. It feels good to both of us to think that our experience can help someone else.


Three Book Recommendations

     I can not more highly recommend Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. 

     I will forewarn that Unconditional Parenting may be a bit more scientific than some parents would prefer, but the beauty of the book is that it really shows you why you should move away from punitive parenting practices. It left me with no doubt that I had to change my parenting ways, but I still wasn't exactly sure what I should be doing instead.


     That is where How to Talk... comes in. I had received both books at the same time and had opened How to Talk... first. I'd laughed at all the "silly" comics inside and left it for my mother to read. But, several months after I had read Unconditional Parenting, I picked it back up, and this time I was hooked. It no longer seemed silly or obvious; it seemed like an answer to my prayers. Faber and Mazlish spell out exactly how to deal with most situations you will face day to day, and they teach you how to do it without resorting to punishments and compromising your relationship with your child.


     Reading both books gave me a solid foundation to stand on for the difficult transition from punitive to non-punitive parenting, and gave me the knowledge necessary to explain my parenting techniques to others and help other parents to foster a gentler relationship with their own children.

     Also, for parents with children who are more challenging than the typical child: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a LIFESAVER. I have struggled with my first child from the very beginning and all along I failed to see what he is. He is me. He digs his heels in like a mule at the thought of anything new, he notices things that people around him would never see, he can argue anyone into submission, he is impossible to please, he is a quick thinker, an endless talker, and one of the most sensitive and loving people I've ever met in my life. It wasn't until I read this book that I understood why he is like he is and saw the same qualities in myself. It has helped me to learn how to cope with life as a spirited adult and given me the tools to make life easier with a spirited child.
 It has also helped my non-spirited husband to understand how our son and I perceive the world and why we act like we do. Raising Your Spirited Child  has been absolutely invaluable in our relationship, and it came just in time. This book helped me to love my child again; frighteningly, before I read it, I was in a place where I wasn't even sure that I could anymore. Yes, some children that hard, and no, you are not a bad parent if you feel this way.


     I would encourage every parent (or parent to be) to read Unconditional Parenting and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I wish I had read them long before I developed those ineffective and harmful habits that were so difficult to break. And, any parents dealing with a kid that seems to be "more" than the other children you see should pick up Raising Your Spirited Child and experience the sweet relief of knowing that you aren't alone and that your child is not hopeless.